You’ve Got Saget!

The best/worst thing about fashion is that trends tend to come back. It’s good for anyone who’s hanging on to all those old pairs of stirrup pants, hoping they’ll make a triumphant return. But it’s bad for anyone who:

a)      lived through the fashions the first time

b)      does not wish to relive his or her glory days

c)      thinks the past should be the past

The same can be said for pop culture. Who didn’t love cheesy 80s and 90s sitcoms? I know I did! And I certainly enjoyed watching them in syndication when I was growing up. And sometimes now.

Nothing is more of a guilty pleasure than Full House. Everyone watches it; admit it. It’s so funny because it’s SO BAD. The most iconic moment in the entire series, HANDS DOWN, is Michelle’s proclamation: “THERE’S A CAR IN THE KITCHEN!!!!”

Now, what if Full House were to become a MOVIE????

It sounds pretty amazing, right? Watching those reruns gets boring if you’re seen Stephanie move into the bathtub more than once in a single week. So why not get some new content?

My answer is NO. And my reasons are manyfold:

1)      Why is Joey STILL living there???

2)      I’m going to assume that, since like 15 years have passed, the house is no longer full. And who wants to watch Empty House? I’d rather watch the dust bunnies collect under my couch, and then my cat consequently try to eat them.

3)      I wonder if Uncle Jesse ever moved out. I mean, his music career never really took off. I wonder why, seeing as he went out and bought his own singles. I WONDER WHY HE NEVER MADE ANY MONEY. HMM.

4)      Danny and Joey probably realized they were secretly in love the whole time and made a life commitment to each other. Now they’re an old, boring couple and who wants to watch that? Long-term relationships are boring. That’s why no one really held down a steady relationship, except Jesse, and they had to impregnate Becky with twins just to make his storyline more interesting. I mean, come on. HE FOUND A GRAY HAIR!

5)      I don’t want the Olsens to ever work again.

6)      There is nothing that could make this remotely watchable.

Best-case scenario, Danny is now a messy alcoholic. Or just an alcoholic, because he has to clean up after his lover Joey…who drew him to the bottle with those damn voices. And yes, Joey does use cartoon voices in the sack, which is revealed within the first five minutes.

But I feel like that’s a little risqué for Full House. So it would probably end up being exactly like an extended episode, and seriously, why are they still getting into the same nonsense after twenty years? It’s completely unrealistic.

Besides, Stephanie probably got rid of Mr. Bear and he was the most interesting character on that show. Probably because he never spoke.

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