Seeing as Cash Cab is pure television gold, what would happen if GSN took Carrot Top, put him in a cab, and called it Money Taxi?

Keep it in New York. I want to see people’s reactions when they ask, “AM I IN THE CASH CAB???” and then they see Carrot Top and he goes, “IT’S THE MONEY TAXI!!!” and they are visibly disappointed.

GSN will make this show its own, you’ll see. There will be no Red Light Challenges. Instead, Carrot Top will offer a Hit and Run Challenge, in which any time Carrot Top hits either a pedestrian or another vehicle and then drives away, the contestant has to then describe the car or person in detail.

The double or nothing challenge at the end? Carrot Top tells a joke and you have to laugh. If you laugh, you win. It’s harder than it sounds, obviously, seeing as it’s Carrot Top. And the laugh has to sound legitimate.

Are you scared? Good. GET IN THE MONEY TAXI!!!!

Saved by the Diamond

The early 90s and Peter Engel’s teen TV monopoly invented one of pop culture’s greatest mysteries: why was Screech part of the gang? His “best friendship” with Zack was clearly one of convenience, that probably started because Zack needed someone to do his first grade homework, or maybe that was before he became Zack Morris, melter of hearts.

I guess it proves that even popular people can have big hearts, because although they had a tendency to exploit him (i.e. the infamous spaghetti sauce episode), they were able to JUST GET ALONG with one of the class geeks. Aww.

Since the end of the Saved by the Bell franchise, Dustin Diamond has proven to be a hot mess. He’s done celebrity boxing, he’s done standup, he’s openly dissed the show and the rest of the cast, and I’m going to take a wild guess that he’s the reason a Saved by the Bell reunion will NEVER happen.

He’s clearly crazy and I think he’s one of the most underrated child stars of all time. Maybe that’s a lie. But still, I’m fascinated to know what exactly goes on in that head. Screw Tori Spelling, Denise Richards, and the Kardashians. I want to know what happens in a day in the life of Dustin Diamond. I want to see the shouting matches that ensue when someone recognizes him as Screech and whether or not the camera crew prevents him from injuring anyone. And I want dramatic music playing while he is recounting his traumatic life to the cameras. I want to hear about how hard it was to be Screech, and I don’t want to have to wait for his tell-all book to be released next year.

If he doesn’t go reality, fine. Let’s give him a sitcom. Maybe a movie. Anything in which he is the central character. His sitcom could be about a washed-up thirtysomething who peaked way too early. His best friend is the old neighbor lady, he lives not with his mom but NEAR her, and he works at the neighborhood grocery store. Brilliant. Who doesn’t want to watch that train wreck? I know I do!

This is where Diamond is doing things incorrectly. He’s taking the bitter, sarcastic, angry route when he should really be channeling that energy into finding the perfect role to shine as a leading man. Because if there’s one thing I see when I look at Dustin Diamond, it is the potential for leading man greatness.

America is a nation of heroes. But who was the real hero of September 11?

(Flash to firemen, policemen, passengers of United 93)

THE AMERICAN FLAG!!!

Wave your American flags high as Disney/Pixar’s epic animated musical 9/11 breezes into theaters this fall. 9/11 tells the real story of the terrorist attacks, with the American flag watching in terror as each attack was completed. Our protagonist stares up at the crumbling World Trade Center and sings the mournful ballad “It’s Not Always Easy Being from the Greatest Country on Earth.”

The flag then segues into “Muslims are Bad” and “An Eye for an Eye” as it vows to get revenge. And it vows to get America shopping again, with flag-themed paraphernalia.

Most importantly, this movie teaches our children that all Muslims are dangerous and hate our country!

Rated G for GO SEE THIS MOVIE NOW. OR ELSE.

9/11 is awesome for two reasons: it perpetuates intolerance and also changes a national tragedy into a lighthearted animated musical. Clearly win/win here.

If anyone were ever actually sick enough to do this, well…I’ll have my passport ready.

a)      lived through the fashions the first time

b)      does not wish to relive his or her glory days

c)      thinks the past should be the past

The same can be said for pop culture. Who didn’t love cheesy 80s and 90s sitcoms? I know I did! And I certainly enjoyed watching them in syndication when I was growing up. And sometimes now.

Nothing is more of a guilty pleasure than Full House. Everyone watches it; admit it. It’s so funny because it’s SO BAD. The most iconic moment in the entire series, HANDS DOWN, is Michelle’s proclamation: “THERE’S A CAR IN THE KITCHEN!!!!”

Now, what if Full House were to become a MOVIE????

It sounds pretty amazing, right? Watching those reruns gets boring if you’re seen Stephanie move into the bathtub more than once in a single week. So why not get some new content?

My answer is NO. And my reasons are manyfold:

1)      Why is Joey STILL living there???

2)      I’m going to assume that, since like 15 years have passed, the house is no longer full. And who wants to watch Empty House? I’d rather watch the dust bunnies collect under my couch, and then my cat consequently try to eat them.

3)      I wonder if Uncle Jesse ever moved out. I mean, his music career never really took off. I wonder why, seeing as he went out and bought his own singles. I WONDER WHY HE NEVER MADE ANY MONEY. HMM.

4)      Danny and Joey probably realized they were secretly in love the whole time and made a life commitment to each other. Now they’re an old, boring couple and who wants to watch that? Long-term relationships are boring. That’s why no one really held down a steady relationship, except Jesse, and they had to impregnate Becky with twins just to make his storyline more interesting. I mean, come on. HE FOUND A GRAY HAIR!

5)      I don’t want the Olsens to ever work again.

6)      There is nothing that could make this remotely watchable.

Best-case scenario, Danny is now a messy alcoholic. Or just an alcoholic, because he has to clean up after his lover Joey…who drew him to the bottle with those damn voices. And yes, Joey does use cartoon voices in the sack, which is revealed within the first five minutes.

But I feel like that’s a little risqué for Full House. So it would probably end up being exactly like an extended episode, and seriously, why are they still getting into the same nonsense after twenty years? It’s completely unrealistic.

Besides, Stephanie probably got rid of Mr. Bear and he was the most interesting character on that show. Probably because he never spoke.

(Actually, I can think of plenty of things that are cooler than high school. But thanks anyway.)

TUNE IN NEXT WEDNESDAY FOR THE SERIES PREMIERE OF

GUIDANCE!

Guidance follows a 29-year-old guidance counselor in a suburban high school. He’s been guiding for six years now. And the biggest source of drama in his life isn’t his students. It’s his addiction to coke.

That’s right. The guidance counselor, who advises students on living their lives clean and responsibly, is a cokehead.

Watch as he does a line and then meets with a student!

“Drugs…are bad,” he spurts out, giving his student a shifty gaze and grabbing a tissue to wipe the blood from his nose. “Ohhh yeah. They’re so bad.”

Will anyone discover the truth? Or is it too late to guide this guidance counselor back to reality?

Another awesome idea would be to have it set up like Taxicab Confessions and just sit there while people come in for guidance. AWESOME, RIGHT?

Go back to high school every Wednesday, and don’t miss the upcoming first season finale in which our guidance counselr is caught passed out in his office with a prostitute!!!

The sad thing is, this sounds like it could be a real show. Which is fine and dandy if you’re into that sort of thing. But here’s something: HIGH SCHOOL IS BORING. I’m sick of shows about it. I’ve moved on. Also, no one ever saw the guidance counselor at my school. Well, the gifted kids did, but they had their own counselor.

Yet somehow whenever I needed to do things like drop a class, I always had to wait.

Nothing’s cooler than high school. Everything’s cooler than high school.

Exhibit A: Her father is Billy Ray Cyrus. I’m still scarred for life after hearing “Achy Breaky Heart” one too many times in first grade to ever want to know more about anyone related to him. Especially his achy breaky spawn.

Exhibit B: Hannah Montana. I feel like that’s close enough to a movie about her life.

Exhibit C: Is there anything we don’t know about Miley Cyrus? Her family’s crazy. Her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus. She is Hannah Montana. She’s dating some 20-year-old dude. And she’s a total media whore. And that’s it. No drugs, no rehab. Just a 16-year-old with stringy hair and a TV show.

So why the fascination? By the time Drew Barrymore was her age she’d already been in rehab. And her family was/is more well-known. THAT is more of a justifiable case for a memoir.

So why did Miley write one? Who knows.

But it could get worse. What if someone actually picked up that book and thought, “Hey, this should be a movie!”

Which takes me back to my earlier point. Hannah Montana is close enough to the truth. So please, let Hannah Montana be the only TV show/movie ever about/starring Miley Cyrus.

Sam offers the headphones and Andrew glares at her. “I’m no longer in love with you, Samantha,” he says. “I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life.”

GOLDEN STATE: A SEQUEL TO GARDEN STATE. Coming June 2010!

When we last left Andrew Largeman, he was leaving his Hollywood life behind to move back home to New Jersey to “figure things out” and be with the one he loved, Sam. Zach Braff returns to the big screen and the director’s chair, reprising his role in his 2004 breakout hit Garden State.

The story picks up five years later. Not much has changed. Large is still living, well, large in New Jersey, still hangs out with the same people, and yes, he is still with Sam.

What happens when he realizes he is going nowhere in life? What happens when he’s bored with settling? Does he still love Sam?

He answers these questions AND MORE when he decides to return to California for a three-day visit. Will he move back there? Will he find a quirky love interest?

“Wow, it’s like they took Garden State and made it exactly the opposite!” – The Intercourse Observer

“Zach Braff has large features.” – The Damascus Chronicle

“The most powerful and inspiring movie with a June 2010 release date that I’ve seen yet this year!” –  The Nameless Report

That said, I love, love, LOVE Garden State. It’s on my desert island list. But does it need a sequel? No.

Let’s think about this: Zach Braff plays a lost twenty/thirtysomething who is unhappy with his life. He’s dating a girl who’s probably way too hot for him and decides he’s trapped.

Huh. That sounds an awful lot like The Last Kiss.

Zach Braff, you’re so much better than this. Please don’t ever write this movie.

And eight years later it’s still on the air, the star and creator are slated to leave at the end of the season, and the producers have threatened on more than one occasion to turn my beloved Scrubs and years of wonderful memories into a joke.

I’m pretty sure I literally read that they were contemplating making it into “the next ER.” I’ll pass, thanks. ER should’ve been taken off the air about ten years ago.

Season 9 and beyond of Scrubs is the worst idea ever. People don’t even watch it. Plus, the show is IN ZACH’S HEAD. If you take away ZACH BRAFF, you take away the SHOW. No one will care about Turk anymore, especially since Judy Reyes (Carla) has announced her departure as well. Plus, Elliot is apparently completely dependent on J.D. to get through her days, so she’d shrivel up and die in the season premiere. Not that that would be a bad thing.

Did I just say that?

The plan would be to build up the interns and make them more important characters. That would be fine and dandy if it weren’t such a bad idea. I don’t care about the interns. They’re not interesting. Plus, we’re getting back to the fact that ZACH BRAFF IS THE CENTER OF THE SHOW. Love him or hate him, you can’t forget that HE DOES THE VOICEOVERS.

ABC’s been trying the whole “Let’s develop the interns as characters!!!” thing with the “Interns” webisodes. They’re alright, definitely not amazing, but it’s proof that if you can barely sit through a 2-minute webisode, a 22-minute episode x an 18-22-episode season = boring.

We’ve known and loved the same characters for eight years. To try to keep going after losing them would lose the show’s charm and replace it with awkwardness as we’re forced into bed with people we hardly know. And I don’t want to sleep with any of those interns.

Anyway, before Meg Ryan decided to rearrange her face, she proved her versatility as an actress in the smash hit of the 80s, When Harry Met Sally… And let’s talk about versatility. I mean, come on. Meg was in her 30s at the time of the role and managed to portray a 21-year-old and a 26-year-old! And all she had to do was change her hairstyle! WOW!

I really don’t feel that there are any female actresses out there today who possess that sort of versatility.

Also, with a remake, the famous orgasm scene would not be shocking. It would be mundane. And I’m pretty sure ONLY Billy Crystal, my sister, and I can pull off saying “Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash, but I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.”

BASICALLY, the original movie is perfect and should NEVER EVER be touched. IT IS UNTOUCHABLE.

What happens when the NBC execs wake up and decide that they miss having a superintense medical drama on the air?

Well, I suppose that’s when we enter SPINOFF CITY!!!!

The show is ICU. Dr. Carter (Noah Wyle) has decided to return to civilization and is now head of the intensive care unit in a suburban hospital. Week after week, Carter must deal with having to say goodbye to his many, many senior patients as they spend their final days in his care. The action is slow-moving. Some might even say it’s nonexistent. A real tearjerker.

For February sweeps, Carter falls for a terminal cancer patient. Will she be able to hang on with the promise of his love?

The first season comes to a thrilling conclusion when Dr. Carter fears the grandson of one of his cancer patients may have given him head lice. Will it spread like wildfire through the ICU? Will the hospital staff be able to find enough tiny combs?

TUNE IN WEDNESDAYS AT 9 TO FIND OUT. It’s the itchiest hospital drama you’ll ever see!!!